The Ultimate Road Trip: Marriage Edition “6 Months In & No One’s Dead”

Yes, it is a lot of time together.

No, we don’t hate each other after 6 months (well, most days 😉 )

We’ve been married almost 14 years.

These are some of the most common statements we make about our relationship while on the road. Most people who don’t know us ask more practical questions like “how can you afford to do this?” or even more often than that “how can I do this!?”. We also get statements about how people, especially couples, couldn’t do what we’re doing. Because they’d kill each other.

In case you’re new to our blog, what we’re doing is driving around in a 2004 Toyota Corolla, with our little dog Truffles, seeing all 50 states of the US over the next 5 years.

So far, six months in and no one is dead. Whew! That would make a really awkward blog post.

Our friends check in though (as good friends do) on the state of our relationship. Am I lonely (I’m the extrovert)? Are we still having fun? Is it what we thought it would be? Are we prioritizing ‘coupley’ stuff?

I’m so glad that I have amazing people in my life who love and care enough about me and Stephen to ask these tough questions. Because honestly, travelling together full-time isn’t all grammar fixing and kazoo bands.

We still disagree over who squeezes the toothpaste from the end or the middle (It’s me – *gasp* – I’m the middle squeezer!), who last took the dog out (it’s almost always Stephen because he’s good like that) and messy living spaces (this is more Stephen than me actually – he’s a leaver of little piles of things… everywhere).

It’s all the things relationships typically go through, amplified by the strain of new places, tightly restricted funds, a perpetual toddler of a dog and all being squeezed into a Toyota Corolla or when we’re lucky a large hotel room or small cabin.

Here are just some of the things we disagree over that couples in a more traditional lifestyle might only argue about once or twice a year on a vacation:

• Where are we? No seriously, why did you book this hotel? Why did you want to do this lame thing? Turn left, no your other left. Don’t listen to the GPS, listen to me. Don’t listen to me, that’s why you have GPS – how do I know? I’ve been here as long as you have!
• Do we have everything packed ready to move. By check out. In 10 minutes. So that we can do it again in 5 days. And then 5 days after that… And 5 days after that…
• Who has the dog for this walk? Do we have her food? Her water? Poop bags? Can she come along? If not, can she stay in the hotel in her den? If not, can we get a Rover sitter? Can we afford a Rover sitter? Oh, we’ve driven over an hour just to find out that she can’t come to most of this park? Great, who’s going to sit in the car with her first while the other goes to check out the cool stuff?
• I think we should pack the car like this. I think we should pack it like that. My way is better because…. No, my way is more efficient because… Where’s the “X”? It’s in that bag. No, I moved it when we repacked to make it easier to get to. But it’s harder to get to. That’s because we didn’t need it for the last 4 weeks. But I need it now.
• Does she ever stop talking? Does he ever start talking? How is he feeling today, is he stressed, happy? If I have to hear one more time how she is feeling today I’m going to scream. You’re grumpy today. No, I’m not. You’re grumpy. Well I’m grumpy because you’re grumpy.
• They are always here. Maximum, 20 feet from me, at all times. I’ve heard that joke, story, cough, breath, shuffle for THE MILLIONTH TIME and IT’S ONLY 10AM!! If you do that one more time I might scream.

For as much as I’ve poo-pooed a traditional life over the years, now that my life is unconventional and constantly changing, there are some things I miss about it.

Like leaving to go to work and getting 8 hours to ‘myself’; I was a middle school teacher and youth worker, so I use that term loosely. Calling a friend and going out for drinks to vent about Stephen’s inability to squeeze the toothpaste from the middle. Having the money to wander the mall alone and eat a pretzel without having to account for it.

If you know Stephen and I personally, then you know we don’t actually ‘fight’ all that often. We used to. We were miserable when we were in years 2-3 of our marriage and almost went the route of divorce. Marriage counselling helped and things have continued to improve over the years.

But it’s always taken a lot of work, communication, compromise and growth on both sides. Somethings we’ve had to learn to live with things like his handkerchiefs (ew!!) and my talking through soccer matches. We’re still not perfect. We went to a marriage spruce up before we left on this adventure to try and make sure that we were still working as a team and not two individuals.

So far, one of the biggest disagreements we’ve had on this trip was over wine at the Georgia Aquarium. I wanted a glass. It was $7. We’d already paid $45 to get into the stupid aquarium in the first place. I was miserable. I was grumpy. I saw the wine. I wanted the wine. Stephen was in the bathroom. I bought the wine. Knowing full well that he’d be unhappy about it. And I didn’t care. He was mad. Yes, my cool as a cucumber, English muffin was mad. You know what I said while sipping my wine overlooking the flocks of children from the Southwest Lounge of the aquarium. “I knew you’d be mad, and I don’t care.”

As our disagreement progressed it became clear that I was having a rough mental health day (I struggle with anxiety and its companion – depression – sometimes) and Stephen was super stressed about money. Here I was trying to self-medicate to make me feel better and he was trying to control the spending which makes him feel better. As with most arguments, it was never about the wine. Not really.

Being in close quarters we have to talk about our feelings. We can’t bottle them up. We’re around each other too much, without enough of a break, to just be angry, hurt, frustrated or even lazy in our relationship. We have to choose to work it out. Otherwise, more than just this 5-year adventure could be in jeopardy. We don’t have the luxury of letting little things build up. We’re too close too often.

I know what I’m saying above is nothing new for any couple. These are all things that couples go through in some way. I’m just sharing it from the perspective of full-time travel. It feels more pressing, more explosive and more important when you don’t have the safety nets of a traditional life to lean on.

Because it’s just you two. In a new place. Without any friends. Visiting places you don’t know. Doing things you’ve never done. Planning and budgeting and dealing with each flat tire, pile of dog diarrhea, suitcases that won’t fit… when they just fit five days ago!!

The thing is, in the middle of all the lame jokes that we’ve both heard a thousand times, the umpteenth time we’ve thrown Truffles’ ball, the ‘quick photo stops’ that take 15 minutes, we are still having fun. We’re still learning new things about each other. We’re still finding ways to not only love each other, but like each other too.