Flashback: When Your Big Birthday Ends With Your Wife Being Choked

When sharing what we got up to for my 40th birthday recently, here’s how I started that post:

I don’t seem to have much luck with large birthdays.

My 30th birthday was a bit of a disaster and, among other things, involved a teen boy trying to choke Shae from behind. Shae therefore wanted to make my 40th extra special.

I’d meant to write a follow-up post to explain more about what happened on my 30th birthday, but forgot until Dan’s comment reminded me.

Shae thankfully saved me from having to write out what happened because a couple of days after my 40th she shared the story on Facebook. It’s probably good that she wrote this, because I don’t actually remember the boy trying to choke me too, so I might’ve left out other important information from the story.

Anyway, here’s what happened 10 years ago which not only spoiled my birthday, but also meant we were left without employment and a home a few days later.

This weekend is usually pretty tough on me. As it’s been 10 years, I think I can talk about what happened. Many know, many don’t. Many only heard one side and it wasn’t ours.

For those that have wondered why Stephen’s birthday was so important to me – first, holidays and birthdays in our house are always a big deal. But Stephen’s 30th birthday was a nightmare as was the weekend after. I’d been waiting 10 years to try and make up for that.

We left the UK to move to the US to become group foster home parents. We found an organization we loved (and still do as an organization) and were accepted to come and work for them. We decided not to go to their “home base” in the Midwest because we were worried that it might not be the right fit. We ended up at the California site.

Upon reflection we probably would have been better off at the home site. We also should’ve just moved in full-time with our girls. We stayed with the initial plan which was to wait for boys and help at the girls home. We grew close with the girls and continued to wait for a boy in our home.

A boy finally came. Unfortunately, parents hadn’t been found for the girls home so we split our time between the two homes. Spending time apart, sleeping apart, working all kinds of hours. (Stephen’s addition: We got one evening off per week and one full day off per month and that was it, so the job was especially exhausting.) The boy that was with us was wholly unsuitable for the program but his parents paid ~$8K a month for him to be placed in our program. He was part spoiled and part disturbed.

By this time we felt unsupported by the site and turned in our notice. We asked to stay until a certain date so that we could see our oldest girl graduate from high school. Our primary goal was always the welfare of the children in our care, including the boy, and we didn’t feel we could do our job effectively since we felt so unsupported.

We had approved a day off for our assistant on Stephen’s birthday. We realized later that was a mistake but we were determined to make it a family birthday as that’s what is always wanted in this org. Once the kids come in, they are family, you do what you would if they were very own kids.

On Stephen’s 30th birthday the boy exhibited signs that he was going to kick off, for lack of a better word, and began to cause disruption. This continued for a time and continued to escalate. So much that he tried to choke me, broke into another house (causing all those residents to have to be put in a safe room) and tried to choke Stephen with a telephone wire. (Stephen’s addition: To break into the house, he smashed a window and pulled out the broken shards of glass from the frame with his bare hands.) All this time, management was on the phone with us. It took 3 hours for them to bother turning up. By this time the police and ambulance had been called to take the boy away.

I told Stephen to go with our friends and I would go to the hospital because I wasn’t having his birthday ruined any further. I went with the boy. When no one was in the room he continued to threaten me. Then his real mother arrived. Remember, he was a voluntary placement, not a foster care kid. So I stood in the hallway because a) I was done being abused and b) his mother was there. I was reprimanded by our supervisor for not being in the room because “He was my kid.” When I explained why I was out in the hallway, I was asked if anyone else heard these threats (as if my word wasn’t good enough). I was so angry all the time at this point. And I told them that. (Now I know that anger is a sign of my anxiety – which was still undiagnosed).

In the end, Stephen went out. My direct supervisor left for the evening and Stephen texted “What about putting kids first?” because that was always drilled into us. It only counted if it was us doing that, not all levels of management.

The next day they had a meeting with us and said they would accept our resignation early. We had 3 days to pack and get out (our salary and housing was part of our employment, so we would be left without pay and no home after those three days), even though we did nothing inherently wrong to deserve this. We weren’t to talk to anyone else on campus so as not to “poison” anyone against management. We did find out that this was a common pattern and definitely NOT what’s best for kids who already have issues with abandonment. We were allowed to say a quick goodbye but not explain anything to anyone.

We were devastated. Stephen packed for us. I basically checked out and watched TV all 3 days. I was mad. Mad at him (for the text), mad at management, mad at the boy, his parents, everyone.

There are a lot of things I’d wished we’d done differently. I’m so grateful for the time we got with our girls and many we still keep in touch with. We have some of the dearest friends from our time there. But I wish we could’ve stayed. I wish we had been better supported.

The California site is now closed and I’m not terribly surprised. But I will always say good things about the org overall, after 2 weeks of intensive training there I know we were prepared for our job had we been supported properly at the satellite site.

So, that’s the story. That’s what happened to us 10 years ago. I’ve been desperate to tell this story. To the friends we left behind. The girls we left. I’m hoping that with this – even more healing will come to those that need it. Me included.